tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post1245503772249934106..comments2012-01-27T10:50:56.834-05:00Synhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18441103402571767420noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-269957810796049002011-11-26T21:17:35.905-05:002011-11-26T21:17:35.905-05:00This essay changed my life. I did this (to my husband) but did not say anything to my SD so that HE understood. It was the best decision I&#39;ve made in years.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-5487266648216016312011-10-27T15:12:51.702-04:002011-10-27T15:12:51.702-04:00Awesome essay and fabulous website in general. I will be having the &quot;Disengaging&quot; conversation with DH this afternoon and with SD on her next visitation. I&#39;ve had it up to my eye teeth with the rudeness, the rolled eyes, and the disrespect. And I&#39;ve had it with the apalling and unacceptable lack of support of my DH. It&#39;s time I put my own needs back on the list. At the top!Lori Lambhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04607121255307762870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-57174336298579559592011-08-16T11:41:57.884-04:002011-08-16T11:41:57.884-04:00Of course *MISTER* M could have zero idea of what it&#39;s like to be a step-mom (or woman period) who has worked herself into a tizzy trying to be everything to everyone to no avail. <br /><br />props on the essay. Thanks for some straight-forward, clear advice on how to do what so many of us must in order to protect our hearts, homes, and selves.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-29329159078137369862011-07-25T01:31:14.483-04:002011-07-25T01:31:14.483-04:00I actually love many posts here, thanks ~Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-77712665182267783782011-04-13T01:09:49.689-04:002011-04-13T01:09:49.689-04:00Hey - I am really happy to discover this. cool job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-56487872846240807172011-01-23T21:34:13.763-05:002011-01-23T21:34:13.763-05:00Keep posting stuff like this i really like itAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-7263353245833978422010-09-10T18:57:03.757-04:002010-09-10T18:57:03.757-04:00Fantastic web site, I hadn&#39;t noticed www.stepfamilysanctuary.com earlier in my searches!<br />Continue the wonderful work!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-86786377315545527492010-06-25T11:28:11.275-04:002010-06-25T11:28:11.275-04:00Wow, what a ridiculous essay. More of the same woman as wonderful with only ever the best interests of children on the forefront of their minds... and men only worried about &quot;touchdowns and home runs.&quot;<br /><br />If you can even make it past the tripe in the first paragraph, you&#39;ll get more of the same in the balance of the &quot;essay.&quot;<br /><br />If this woman thought any more highly of herself, she could sign the essay &quot;God.&quot;Mister-Mhttp://www.thepsychoexwife.com/when-you-look-at-them-you-have-to-stop-picturing-her/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-48613093663923591972009-03-03T13:54:00.000-05:002009-03-03T13:54:00.000-05:00An ex's crazy behavior is usually going to be directed at the stepmom. We're the easiest target for bitterness and easy to blame (rather than blame herself and her ex for their mutual problems and the failure of their marital and parental relationship...it's all your fault). <BR/><BR/>As far as the school counselor, I would have my husband direct a letter to the therapist or go see him or her (not about disengaging exactly) but about the fact that there are gross inconsistencies in what they are being informed and that if they are going to make comments based on the son's problems, they should be thorough and talk to both homes, not just an ex who has a bone to pick. I'd also let them know that it would be in his son's best interests that an open mind and communication with both homes from the school be a necessity to help the son. A reminder that their son is the responsibility of both parents and nobody else perhaps. Whether you choose to take on any responsibility is up to you. It doesn't mean you ignore the child, be disrespectful to him or anything like that. It means if you aren't respected for what you do, then dad has to step up and take care of his child. It's not about being neglectful, or mean, or anything like that. You are not a door mat.<BR/><BR/>This doesn't just work for stepchildren. It works on husbands too, lol. When my husband would complain about something not being cleaned to his uber cleanliness standard, I stopped doing it. Period. It became HIS job. He learned to stop complaining and he STILL has to clean the toilets over a decade later, lol. It became his job. It's just about being respected for what you do, validated and appreciated or the complainer can do it themself.<BR/><BR/>Did the counselor tell you they agreed with the ex or did the ex tell you? If it was the ex, I'd be a bit wary about believing everything she says if there is conflict and manipulations going on. If she is just saying whatever to portray herself in a better light, then don't fall for it. <BR/><BR/>You are NEVER going to make her happy. Never. Find the role in your own home that you and your husband are comfortable with, be respectful and caring, and as long as your husband is doing the parenting for his son in his home, nobody should have anything too nasty to say about it (other than bitch just to hear themselves bitch). It is his child. <BR/><BR/>I have this saying when I am SO DONE with dealing with my husband's ex: <BR/><BR/>"I didn't sleep with her, she's not my problem." <BR/><BR/>I make her MY HUSBAND'S problem because realistically, she is his problem. It's not up to me to fix his son's behavior, deal with his ex, make visitation arrangements, lose sleep and make myself sick with stress, stand up to her crap, etc. If I "choose" to do so, that is different. I did it all for so long and it tore me up, wore me down, and made the ex's bitterness just increase tenfold because I wouldn't let her lead me around by the nose like she wanted to do with my husband (which I still won't let her do but I stand behind him now and "support" him to do things instead of in front of him telling him how and when it must be done). I stopped taking responsibility for his, or their, parenting responsibilities...that's all it boiled down to. If I choose to do some of it, that's different. <BR/><BR/>If his son's needs aren't being met, then it becomes up to dad and mom to meet them. It isn't your responsibility if you choose not to take on the responsibility.Synhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18441103402571767420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996418628439976194.post-21912939840999693942009-03-01T21:11:00.000-05:002009-03-01T21:11:00.000-05:00How do you disengage from a ss that has a bm who makes your life he**. I tried it and that just caused DH's crazy ex to become crazier which would be fine if her crazy behavior was not directed at me. She even took it to the school counselor saying my "disengaging" was causing her son problems and the nut counselor agreed. However when I was engaged she made it a point to constantly point out that I was overstepping boundaries by picking up some of the parental role. I know that no matter what I do his ex will be a miserable excuse for a human being, but how in the world can a counselor agree that I should not have disengaged from my ss that "loves" me so much. If the counselor was in our home she would know that ss is manipulative and I am his prime target and he DOES NOT love me--he uses me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com